


Do you know what "I love you" means?

by NishlaTheButterfly



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Boys In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Self-Destruction, Suicide Attempt, s2e08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:48:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22410538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NishlaTheButterfly/pseuds/NishlaTheButterfly
Summary: After 2x08 - Alec's Suicide attempt"Everyone was fighting with each other, but you were fighting with yourself" Magnus said in a voice that was buried in worry.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 1
Kudos: 135





	Do you know what "I love you" means?

**Author's Note:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING**  
> Suicidal Attempt and Self destructive Tendencies. 
> 
> Also, I'm not a native speaker, I'm from Germany. I learned English at school and through watching supernatural. In conclusion, my English is going to have a lot of grammar mistakes. If you find one, tell me.

I know that they actually said "I love you" in 2x10 not in 2x09 but I choose that we are gonna ignore that. 

Alec knew that they'll have to talk about _it_. He tried his best avoid this conversation, but Magnus wouldn't be Magnus if he wouldn't bring _it_ up anyways. Deep down, Alec is grateful to have a caring boyfriend but that didn't change the fact that he doesn't want to talk about _it_. 

"I don't know what you're talking about" Alec says. "It was the magic, I would never, never, never-"

"I know" Magnus interrupts his attempt of an explanation. "But magic can't create fears, only bring them out." 

Alec feels exposed. Sometimes it's scary how well Magnus can read him, how well he already knows him, even though they've only been dating for a month.

"Everyone was fighting with each other, but you were fighting with yourself" Magnus says in a voice that is buried in worry, and now a feeling of guilt overcomes Alec, because he never wanted to trouble Magnus to a point where he even worries. 

Magnus on the other hand feels sad. He knows that Alec has a lot of pressure on his shoulder, pressure from his parents, pressure from the Institute, pressure from the Clave and probably pressure for the whole Shadowworld. It's actually understandable why he has unhealthy coping mechanisms. 

"Alexander you know that I love you, right?" Magnus asks as if he isn't quiet sure. "Yes of course I know. I love you too" Alec assures him. "Good, but do you get it? Do you know what I mean when I say 'I love you'?". Magnus puts his hands gently on Alec's shoulders. "Alexander, I'm not dating you because of your pretty face. I'm dating you, because you mean something to me, more than you can even imagine. When I'm near you, I can open up and allow myself to be vulnerable. And Alexander, I care for you, that includes your wellbeing." Alec isn't capable of looking into his eyes because he's overwhelmed. A couple months ago, he never thought that someone would say those kind of words to him, he never thought he will be seen as a person not just as a soldier. And now he feels like he's floating. _That must be love_ He thinks. 

"And nothing was as devastating as seeing you standing on that ledge." The memory pops up and Magnus closes his eyes for second, trying to ignore the panic he feels again, just from remembering that traumatical experience. He takes a deep breath and continues. "And that's not the first time that you show such kind of behaviour. When the demon killed Jocelyn-"

"You mean when I killed Jocelyn". Alec can't understand why people just don't blame him. Everything would be so much easier. 

"No I mean when the demon killed her" Magnus corrects him impatiently "you shot arrows until your hand was bloody. Then you refused to to heal yourself. When the forsaken attacked, you refused to let me heal you. Anytime when there is a fight and you're clearly in a disadvantage, you still get involved, as if fighting and failing and getting hurt is better than being rational. And now you tried to kill yourself." Alec feels analized and he has the urge to explain the situation, to come up with some kind of excuse but he's literally speechless, so he presses just an "I did not purposefully tried to kill myself" out.

"Please be reasonable. If I would've come two seconds later, we would've lost you. I would have lost." His voice dropped when said the last sentence. 

"I'm sorry" Alec says.

"You don't need to explain and you definitely don't need to apologise about the way you feel. I understand you, I was there once too. But please, you need to stop being self destructive. I know it's quite easy to say something like that and not as easy as to actually stopping it, but atleast try it. And I'm begging you, promise me that you'll tell me if it gets worse. I want to help Alexander." Magnus sounds desperate and helpless. Apparently the "suicide" attempt troubled him more than Alec assumed. He nods and hugs his boyfriend. 

"You don't understand how much these words mean to me" Alec whispers. "I'm so grateful for having you by my side."

"Not even as remotely grateful as I am" Magnus answers.

Before Alec can even say something, Jace slams the door open and drags Clary with him.

Back to business.


End file.
